1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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