i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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