So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
