he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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