if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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