Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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