I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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