Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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