I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
