She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My life is pants optional.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
