Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
