the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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