this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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