Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
