you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
