Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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