apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
