Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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