can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
