The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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