so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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