3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
