Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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