she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
