Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
