i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize