My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My dick has a subreddit
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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