She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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