I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
