you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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