is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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