oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
