Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Someone signed my nipple.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
