And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
