Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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