i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
