i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
