I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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