She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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