You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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