I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
soo... how was my night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
