just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
