A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
