You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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