I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
