Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
