You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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