that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
