FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
