really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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