I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
