I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
