her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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