The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
