Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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