it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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