i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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