90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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