the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
