You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I cut my penus on the lid.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
