Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
